Jerry Brown, governor of California, recently signed a bill making it legal for nurse practitioners, physician assistants, and midwives to commit abortions.
This is clearly a fantastic idea, but it doesn’t go far enough toward ensuring abortion access for all women who feel like having one, at any time, anywhere.
So I humbly propose we also allow the following to give us ladies the abortions we so desperately need.
If I’ve learned anything from “The Walking Dead,” it’s that veterinarians can perform human surgeries. If crotchety old Hershel can dig six bullet fragments out of Carl’s abdomen and then isolate and suture a bleeding vessel in imaginary TV world, surely a young and hearty real-life veterinarian can remove one pesky fetus from a woman’s abdomen.
Oh and by the way, haters, vets already do abortions. On animals. And aren’t humans animals? That’s what I thought. Science wins again.
In days of yore, barbers were also surgeons. These barber-surgeon hybrids were called barber surgeons. You can look it up.
It sounds silly to us now, like calling someone a massage therapist lawyer or baker engineer, but it was a thing.
The reputable online knowledge source Wikipedia tells us:
A barber surgeon was a person who could perform minor surgical procedures such as bloodletting, cupping therapy or pulling teeth. He could also bathe, give haircuts and shave people but also give enemas.
If I had to guess how the profession of barber surgeon came to exist, I would guess that someone needed to be cut into immediately, and the barber happened to be the guy holding something sharp.
We need more people doing abortions. Way more people. The state of California is right: the only way to make sure enough abortions are happening is by getting over our uptight ideas about only licensed physicians being able to perform them. The demand for abortions can put barber surgeons back to work.
Actors Who Play Doctors
Look, if an actor can learn how to fire a gun or speak Polish or look super-hot for a movie, certainly actors can learn how to perform a simple first-trimester abortion.
Actors are some of the smartest people in the world. I know this because they routinely go on TV or give interviews in magazines telling me their opinions about complex social issues as though I should definitely care. Politicians know that actors’ opinions make a difference, which is why they collect endorsements the way I collect scalps. (Kidding.)
But seriously, our culture assigns a lot of importance to celebs. Planned Parenthood loves getting public support from people like Scarlett Johansson, Tina Fey, Amy Poehler, Gwyneth Paltrow, and Ashley Judd, and those celebrities seem to love vocally supporting abortion. Since they know so much about it, they should have no problem doing it.
George Clooney was a great doctor on “E.R.” He could probably do just as good a job giving an abortion as a real doctor. How hard could it be? Kate Walsh plays a doctor on “Private Practice,” and she gets a real kick out of abortion. She should totally do them, too.
A while back, RH Reality Check posted a blog supporting self-induced abortion. And why wouldn’t they? I mean, if we really trust women, we should trust them to abort their own children, instead of paying some doctor (or veterinarian or barber or actor) to do it.
I mean, isn’t that just like the patriarchy? “Sorry, sweet cheeks, you’re too soft and delicate to do your own abortion. You better let me do it, since I’m a licensed physician.” What a load of bullcorn.
Detractors say this is irresponsible and dangerous, since abortion is a serious medical procedure that if done incorrectly can cause serious damage to a woman’s health and fertility and blah blah blah. Whatever.
Looky here: in Castaway, Tom Hanks cut out his own tooth with an ice-skate. In No Country for Old Men, Javier Bardem did all kinds of home surgery in a motel bathtub. And for a real-life example, I removed my own mole once with manicure scissors.
Put that in your pipe and smoke it.
You can’t say you’re pro-choice unless you’re pro- any choice a woman makes. Okay? That’s the rule. Supporting women means supporting everything they do, including self-abortion; otherwise, you’re mean and hate women.
I hope Jerry Brown reads this, because I think his bold new plan to lower standards for abortion providers will go a long way towards making sure more women get the abortions they can’t live without, as well as making much-needed money for the abortion industry.