Issues

Abortion on Etsy: a journey into the awful

Etsy, the internet’s famous and enormous online flea market, is full of weird nonsense, from crocheted tampons lovingly hand-crafted by hippies to the world’s most terrible art. But did you know some of that weird nonsense is abortion-related? The following are a few particularly horrible items for you to not consider buying.

The Abortion Greeting Card

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Until that glorious day when Hallmark debuts an abortion section in the greeting card aisle, we’ll have to make do with handmade substitutes like this little gem from Snarky Card.

The description below this item reads, in part: “The thing is, you get an abortion because you don’t have room in your life to take care of someone else. And there’s nothing wrong with that. All we can do in this life is take care of ourselves.”

That’s aiming pretty low, but all right.

The card also jokes about filling your punch card for a free abortion, right underneath the part where it commends you for your “control over your body.” When it comes to self-control, could we maybe aim a little higher than back-to-back abortions?

What makes it extra-“cute”: Listed in the materials is “a feminist perspective.”

The Abortion Watercolor

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A pro-choice French gal has created this piece of art – I guess we’re calling it art? – depicting an abortion. She doesn’t comment on it, but her other products (such as a patch reading “My pu**y, my choice”) pretty much say it all.

This original watercolor painting appears to be a fetus with a red brain emerging from a pink circle surrounded by a fluffy red cloud. In other words, it’s not what you would call “accurate.” But it sure is… arty! And it will only set you back $34.13, unframed and ready to be treasured always.

What makes it extra-“cute”: The gentle smile of the fetus in the painting, as though she doesn’t mind being aborted one bit.

Fetus in a Jar

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“I’ve always found the real ones I’ve seen at museums and oddity stores to be very interesting,” says the artist. “I decided to make one for myself.”

To some of us, the idea of a fetus in a jar is disturbing and even heartbreaking. We think of the horrors uncovered after late-term clinics have closed. We think of the child’s life cut short, the exploited and grieving mother.

The artist at SpazOutLoud thinks, “Kewl!”

There is actually a thriving trade in fetus-related junk on etsy. And not all human fetuses, either! You can buy what appears to be a real shellacked kitten fetus in a curio box. Which once again proves my theory: humans are weird.

What makes it extra-“cute”: She’s charging $75 for it. That’s…adorable.

Fetus Erasers

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Another little treasure from SpazOutLoud. Her description says it all: “Why not correct your mistakes with someone else’s?”

Hilarious! And they’re only $1.50 each!

This “artist” also sells photos of sushi. Ahem.

What makes it extra-“cute”: The fetuses come in eight different colors. It’s an interracial rainbow of death!

Vagina Dentata

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I can’t show a picture of this, partly because it is inappropriate, and partly because it is terrible art. So instead, here is an adorable fluffy puppy.

As for the sculpture, basically just imagine a lump of chewed bubblegum with bloody werewolf fangs from Party City sticking out of it haphazardly.

Above it is scrawled the following phrase, in handwriting that looks like she didn’t try AT ALL: “This might be the only way to keep the government Out! – cappy sue”

From the artist’s description: “[M]y view of the recent attacks on our rights as women to govern our own bodies. This has a small plaque with my message and a small clay vagina that has fanged teeth growing out of it or possibly implanted which is suggested by the blood either way they are meant to show how very much we have to fight excuse the pun but tooth and nail to keep our rights.”

Cappy Sue, besides winning the Run-On Sentence of the Day award, is also an excellent spokeswoman for the “America’s war on women” faction, as she seems to accurately represent their level of intelligence and understanding.

What makes it extra-“cute”: She also made this. I’m so confused.

Gay Fetus Patch

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Abortion advocates LOVE this argument. They think it is soooo clever, when it is exactly the opposite of clever. Because the answer is simple: yes. Of course we will defend a gay person’s right to life. Unless…oh, I’m sorry, did you think we were advocating for fetal marriage?

Oh, jeez. How embarrassing. It appears there has been a terrible misunderstanding.

So if gay people are allowed to get married, then everything is cool and we’re all even and fetuses get to live? Yeah, I didn’t think so.

What makes it extra-“cute”: It’s actually really, really not cute. At all.

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