Letter

Advice to a lion-killer from Planned Parenthood’s PR firm

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Letter to the editor (satire):

Advice to Dr. Walter J. Palmer from Planned Parenthood’s PR firm.

Dr. Palmer,

We have reviewed your statements and have the following recommendations to help end this public relations disaster:

-Location of the specimen at the time of demise is everything. Emphasize that you performed the poaching procedure OUTSIDE the park, and it is not really a lion unless it is INSIDE the park.

-Change “head on the mantle above the fireplace” to “calvarium on the mantle” or better yet “tissue on the mantle.”

-Change the terms “carcass” and “remains” to “products of hunting.”

-In your apology, your term “taking the lion,” rather than “killing the lion” was on the right track, but Jimmy Kimmel saw right through it. We suggest “terminate” as a widely-accepted alternative.

-Repeat over and over again, as much as possible, that brutally killing and dismembering innocent life is “ONLY 3%” of what you do. (Other clients have found this to be very successful, even though in their case, it’s not actually true.)

We are putting pressure on the media not to cover this, but in the meantime, pretend that your website was hacked to remind people that you are the victim here.

Sincerely,

Dr. Screwtape

P.S. If you still have intact organs or limbs from the procedure, we will gladly help you “transfer” them for a “reimbursement fee.”

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