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Published: January 10, 2013 12:34 am to Opinion Column

Every 94 seconds, Planned Parenthood cures a woman of the terrible disease of pregnancy

I’m so excited, you guys. Excited and inspired. You see, I just found out that in 2012, Planned Parenthood cured 333,000 women of a dangerous and terrible disease. I am speaking, of course, of pregnancy.

With only a meager $542.4 million in taxpayer money, the courageous and selfless public servants of Planned Parenthood were able to cure one woman every 94 seconds.

That’s right: in 2012, every 94 seconds, a woman was delivered from the grisly fate of pregnancy and childbirth.

You may not be familiar with the life-saving procedure called “abortion,” but I spend a lot of time looking at pro-choice literature, so let me explain it to you based on what I’ve learned:

flower

After celebrating a healing goddess circle at home with her priestess and best friends, a woman goes to Planned Parenthood, where she is escorted through a phalanx of shrieking, weapon-wielding, violent anti-choice fanatics and into an oasis of serenity and reason. In the Planned Parenthood reception area, the young woman is lovingly ensconced in a padded pink chair, given a cup of decaf herbal tea, and counseled extensively and truthfully on her various options by a licensed counselor.

(This is assuming, of course, that the reception area in which she sits is not destroyed by the bomb of a woman-hating, fetus-worshiping fanatic, which happens almost every day.)

Once she realizes that abortion is the only truly intelligent and empowering choice she can possibly make to rid herself of the unwanted alien parasite growing within her, the woman is able to speak at length with a grandfatherly physician who calls her by name and asks her probing personal questions in a sincere effort to understand her on a spiritual level.

(In the state of Texas, the woman is then strapped to a circa-19th-century dentist’s chair, has her eyes forced open like that scene in A Clockwork Orange, and has a sonogram image of the clump of cells invading her body shown to her on a 52-inch plasma-screen TV while a scary voice describes her fetus menacingly and repeatedly calls her a whore.)

Now it’s time for the abortion, where a gelatinous mass that does not yet even remotely resemble a human baby is lovingly removed from the woman’s uterus by the grandfatherly old physician while a caring nurse holds the woman’s hand and gazes into her eyes and reminds her that she is in no way responsible for the presence of the gelatinous mass and has no responsibility towards it.

The abortion does not hurt; in fact, it sort of tickles. When it’s over, there is a feeling of profound healing and spiritual enlightenment. The woman’s family is invited into the recovery room, where they all eat fresh fruit and recite Sylvia Plath poems.

Now, you may be one of the few people left in this country who have not broken free of centuries of patriarchal religious indoctrination. You might think it’s wrong for taxpayer money to pay for abortions. Well, first of all, you’re totally wrong. Second, Planned Parenthood doesn’t use any of your stupid taxpayer money for abortions. They have plenty of money! They have $1.2 billion in assets, so it doesn’t take a rocket surgeon to figure out they can use your money for the other stuff they do – like, um, I think maybe cancer… stuff? And…oh, condoms! – while using their own money to provide free, selfless, non-profit abortions to women in need.

For millennia, women who became pregnant had little choice besides suffering the horrible results of pregnancy: weight gain, nausea, finding baby clothes cute, the incomparable pain of labor and delivery, and ultimately the soul-crushing burden of motherhood.

Now, thanks to the kind – no, the angelic – people at Planned Parenthood, women can avoid all this, and, with one simple, totally risk-free, personally empowering, and spiritually enlightening procedure, be utterly free of the tumorous non-person they unwillingly incubate, and the dangerous, too-often fatal disease of pregnancy.

One every 94 seconds. As a country, we should be proud.

About Kristen Hatten

Kristen is a writer and comedian who makes people mad on the Internet. She is Vice President of New Wave Feminists and enjoys taxidermy, yachting, and 19th century French poetry. Stalk her relentlessly for fun and profit.
View all posts by Kristen Hatten

  • http://twitter.com/Astraspider Astraspider

    I’d love you to link to the “pro-choice literature” that extols the virtues of “Goddess” culture or the importance of “decaf herbal tea” in clinical settings. Because if they actually exist, they deserve your (and our) ridicule. More likely, I think, you’re turning to silly caricature again for rhetorical expediency.

    • Rebecca Frazer

      Just a couple links of Planned Parenthood and their connection to the “Goddess” culture, as you call it:

      http://ppin.org/specialevents/gathering.html (complete with psychic readings)

      http://operationrescue.org/pdfs/PP%20NL%20Summer07.pdf (copy of a PP bulletin; go to the last page to see the advertisement for an afternoon with PP affirming your inner goddess)

      • Elise

        You’re all being rather literal – these are not calls to pagan worship! I can see nothing wrong with either of these links. The first is an invitation to a fundraising evening, as for the second ‘inner goddess’ is a very common phrase, probably as a result of the number of times it is mentioned in 50 shades of grey, and all it means is a woman’s inner confidence. There’s nothing sinister about that.

        And for the record, I love Sylvia Plath and drink herbal tea – and funnily enough neither have ever made me want to have an abortion.

    • LoveTheLeast8

      I guess you don’t read the pro-abortion/feminist blogs much. Most of what they write isn’t worth reading anyways.

    • http://twitter.com/CalFreiburger Calvin Freiburger

      And there’s nothing Astraspider hates more than caricature for expediency! Why, she hates it so much that she limits herself to caricaturing pro-lifers three, four times a day tops!

  • JeffreyWeiss

    Hm. Here’s how PP *actually* describes the physical experience of an abortion:

    “How Do In-Clinic Abortions Feel?

    You may have concerns about how an abortion will feel. Most women
    feel pain similar to menstrual cramps with both of these abortion
    methods. For others, it is more uncomfortable.

    Your health care provider will help to make it as comfortable as
    possible. You will be given pain medication. Local numbing medicines are
    usually used. Some clinics offer sedation. Rarely, general anesthesia
    may be offered for certain procedures. It allows a woman to sleep
    through the procedure — but it increases the medical risks and how long
    you must remain at the clinic.

    You may have cramps after an abortion. You will probably want to relax for the rest of the day.”

    If there was herbal tea mentioned, I missed it. Ditto tickling. Kristen, I suggest you ask Mr. Google about the logical fallacy referred to as a “Straw Man.” You are skilled enough in your arguments that you need not resort to such.

  • Joni Clark

    What a “wonderful world” it would be if we didn’t have to own up to the responsibility of our actions…..gee….so many misunderstood criminals could be loosed to frolic in a field of flowers while the children , who should be, are locked up for safety’s sake…..Pregnancy just doesn’t “come upon” a woman….even the Virgin Mary was asked for her permission for the Holy Spirit to come upon her ……Maybe, to save us all time and money and the cost of delusional medications, maybe we should enlighten young people to the stark truth….that Sexual activity is the cause of pregnancy and the two go together. And in the vision that God has for sexual relationships….true love and commitment are at the foundation of it.

  • Ashley

    Lol I love sarcasm but this is toi sad to really be funny. Does that make sense?