I’m so excited, you guys. Excited and inspired. You see, I just found out that in 2012, Planned Parenthood cured 333,000 women of a dangerous and terrible disease. I am speaking, of course, of pregnancy.
With only a meager $542.4 million in taxpayer money, the courageous and selfless public servants of Planned Parenthood were able to cure one woman every 94 seconds.
That’s right: in 2012, every 94 seconds, a woman was delivered from the grisly fate of pregnancy and childbirth.
You may not be familiar with the life-saving procedure called “abortion,” but I spend a lot of time looking at pro-choice literature, so let me explain it to you based on what I’ve learned:
After celebrating a healing goddess circle at home with her priestess and best friends, a woman goes to Planned Parenthood, where she is escorted through a phalanx of shrieking, weapon-wielding, violent anti-choice fanatics and into an oasis of serenity and reason. In the Planned Parenthood reception area, the young woman is lovingly ensconced in a padded pink chair, given a cup of decaf herbal tea, and counseled extensively and truthfully on her various options by a licensed counselor.
(This is assuming, of course, that the reception area in which she sits is not destroyed by the bomb of a woman-hating, fetus-worshiping fanatic, which happens almost every day.)
Once she realizes that abortion is the only truly intelligent and empowering choice she can possibly make to rid herself of the unwanted alien parasite growing within her, the woman is able to speak at length with a grandfatherly physician who calls her by name and asks her probing personal questions in a sincere effort to understand her on a spiritual level.
(In the state of Texas, the woman is then strapped to a circa-19th-century dentist’s chair, has her eyes forced open like that scene in A Clockwork Orange, and has a sonogram image of the clump of cells invading her body shown to her on a 52-inch plasma-screen TV while a scary voice describes her fetus menacingly and repeatedly calls her a whore.)
Now it’s time for the abortion, where a gelatinous mass that does not yet even remotely resemble a human baby is lovingly removed from the woman’s uterus by the grandfatherly old physician while a caring nurse holds the woman’s hand and gazes into her eyes and reminds her that she is in no way responsible for the presence of the gelatinous mass and has no responsibility towards it.
The abortion does not hurt; in fact, it sort of tickles. When it’s over, there is a feeling of profound healing and spiritual enlightenment. The woman’s family is invited into the recovery room, where they all eat fresh fruit and recite Sylvia Plath poems.
Now, you may be one of the few people left in this country who have not broken free of centuries of patriarchal religious indoctrination. You might think it’s wrong for taxpayer money to pay for abortions. Well, first of all, you’re totally wrong. Second, Planned Parenthood doesn’t use any of your stupid taxpayer money for abortions. They have plenty of money! They have $1.2 billion in assets, so it doesn’t take a rocket surgeon to figure out they can use your money for the other stuff they do – like, um, I think maybe cancer… stuff? And…oh, condoms! – while using their own money to provide free, selfless, non-profit abortions to women in need.
For millennia, women who became pregnant had little choice besides suffering the horrible results of pregnancy: weight gain, nausea, finding baby clothes cute, the incomparable pain of labor and delivery, and ultimately the soul-crushing burden of motherhood.
Now, thanks to the kind – no, the angelic – people at Planned Parenthood, women can avoid all this, and, with one simple, totally risk-free, personally empowering, and spiritually enlightening procedure, be utterly free of the tumorous non-person they unwillingly incubate, and the dangerous, too-often fatal disease of pregnancy.
One every 94 seconds. As a country, we should be proud.