test woman pregnant

Infertility and abortion: proof the world isn’t fair

Hi, my name is Kristen, and I’m infertile.

I debated long and hard whether I should share these personal revelations with the world. But I decided to go ahead and tell all – again – because it needs to be said, no matter how uncomfortable it makes me.

Every day, around the world, about 125,000 babies are aborted. Since the beginning of 2013, as I write this, 544,306 babies have been aborted. Another one just now. And just now. More than one per second. Now it’s 544,355. Over half a million lives in less than a week.

Meanwhile, back at the Batcave, my husband and I are trying to conceive.

I figured that when I was (finally) settled down and hitched up and ready to have a baby, it would just sort of happen, like magic. That’s what happened to my mom. She got pregnant without even trying. In fact, about 125,000 women a day get pregnant despite not even wanting a baby. They don’t want their babies so hard they have them killed before they can be born.

Meanwhile, something like 10% of women struggle to conceive. There’s been a lot of talk about the 1% and the 99% percent in the past year or so. Well, I am the 10%.

Meanwhile: 544,612.

I have a disorder called PCOS, or Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. I’ll spare you the juicy details, but it basically means I don’t ovulate, and if you don’t ovulate, if there is no egg to fertilize that will become a zygote-embryo-fetus, you obviously can’t get pregnant.

We haven’t been trying for very long, but two days ago my doctor gave me the low-down: there’s no point “giving it some time,” because unless there is medical intervention to make me ovulate, I won’t. So I face the delightful prospect of having holes burned into my ovaries (laparascopic ovarian drilling) and then taking pills and possibly injections. These measures, if they work (there’s an 80% chance they will), will raise my chances of conceiving from exactly 0% to roughly 50%…for about six months, at which point the effects wear off and we have to try something else.

There’s also the possibility – which I try not to contemplate – that nothing will work. And then we face the even more daunting prospect of trying to scrape up the money to adopt, something we will be able to afford to do only once, if at all.

By the way: 545,106.

We won’t go to Brave New World lengths to conceive – no IVF for us, thanks. But we are trying fertility treatment before adoption because (a) with health insurance coverage, it is infinitely cheaper, and (b) we have the totally normal biological urge to have our own baby. I think adoption is beautiful, but I am human, and I have the innate God-given desire to reproduce that roughly 99% of humans have.

Until very recently, I never noticed all the pregnant people constantly surrounding me. I noticed baby clothes, because they were cute, but not in the heart-wrenching, horrible way I notice them now. Everyone is pregnant, and there are babies everywhere, or so it seems to me.

I also think about abortion differently. I’ve seen it as the world’s most terrible tragedy for about six years now, but never before has it packed the personal punch it does now. In the United States alone, there are millions of women like me, spending at least some of their waking life in an agony of anxiety and longing and hope and prayer and grief, trying everything from herbal supplements to special lubricants to expensive pills to having holes drilled in their ovaries to get pregnant. They obsessively pee on sticks to the point that it becomes a literal addiction, and many of them suffer repeated, heart-wrenching miscarriages.

Meanwhile, every day, 125,000 women a day pay a doctor to murder the miracle we would literally give our right arms for.

545,801.

What makes it even more horrible is that most of us, though we really want to have our own babies, would be more than satisfied with motherhood, period. Unfortunately, while having high standards for adopting couples is understandable – you don’t want to give a baby to just anybody – it seems that often the standards (and fees) are so high as to be unattainable by people who might make great parents.

The other day, at Half Price Books, the back cover of a book about adoption gleefully informed me that adopting a baby only costs about as much as a new mid-size sedan. Well, my husband’s truck is a 2001 and mine is a 2005. What does that tell you about our ability to afford a new mid-size sedan?

Meanwhile: 546,213.

We have all these couples trying to have babies, and all these women having theirs killed. We have all these couples who would adopt if they could, and all these barriers in their way.

I used to drive past abortion clinics and feel, yes, the sadness, the horror, the indescribable demonic evil of it. Today, I drive past and feel the same, but more. Deeper. Different. I feel like a man lost at sea must feel, dying of thirst, staring at an ocean of water he can’t drink.

I wish I could bring this all to a nice, neat point. Maybe I don’t have one. Maybe it’s enough that I share with you my personal trials and travails to show you a new way in which abortion is misery and cruelty made manifest.

547,328.

  • Old R.N.

    So sorry to hear of this terrible news. I will pray for you. Infertility and abortion certainly is an awful paradox, and my heart goes out to those who are infertile while wanting a baby so badly.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/John-A-Anderson/100000016895400 John A. Anderson

    Why should your unfortunate infertility cause you to want to control what other women may do? There is no connection. BTW, I’m 58 and childless. My wife is infertile.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000158918569 Brittany Baylor

      There’s no connection? Seriously? That’s like saying that the Newton shooting has nothing to do with the rest of the country. Hundreds of thousands of children are legally murdered every day. To imagine that it doesn’t have a profound emotional impact on those who want children, but are unable to have them, is willful ignorance.

      “No man is an island, entire of itself; everyman is a piece of the continent, a part of the
      main. If a clod be washed away by the sea,
      Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory
      were, as well as if a manor of thy friend’s or
      of thine own were: any man’s death diminishes
      me, because I am involved in mankind, and
      therefore never send to know for whom the bells
      tolls; it tolls for thee.”

    • http://www.facebook.com/destinydelaro Destiny Herndon-De La Rosa

      The “connection” is actually made by your side all the time…as we stand outside of clinics offering women alternatives while people drive by screaming, “Oh look at you! Wanting to save babies! How many of those babies have YOU adopted, huh!?!” As if it’s not like a 30k expense, and that’s before you even factor in the actual cost of rearing the child. sheesh.

      And no one’s trying to control anyone. Kristen’s merely pointing out that there ARE families out there who would be honored and blessed to raise the life that these women have created.

    • LivingImage

      John, you are using an attack against the author instead of a logical argument. I am very sorry to hear that you think opposing murdering children before birth would mean “controlling” what other women may do. You have buried your head in the sand. Do you deserve your infertility? You, who have no concern for the lives of children?

    • atozmom5

      I don’t understand. Do pro-abortion people come on an obviously pro-life website to take a baseball bat to a beehive? What’s the deal? And saying there’s no connection is also like saying there isn’t one between the “haves” of the world and the “have nots”. Does that mean we shouldn’t try to help the poor? How hypocritical.

  • angelasegal

    “Expensive” adoption is not your only option. If being a parent is what matters most, social services does not charge adoption fees. Of course you have to be willing to accept a child who was taken away from the biological parents , and risk medical and emotional issues with the child, and there are likely to be sibling groups BUT if you are willing to accept these truths …adoption is not expensive. Of course if you are not…than that is where the services to avoid these issues become attached to an out of pocket expense.

  • Basset_Hound

    I have seen several close friends struggle with infertility. One gave up and adopted two children from Korea. Two others were able to conceive, one after actually trying the “brave new world” route if IVF. I’ve sat with a woman who sobbed her eyes out the afternoon after the doctor informed her that her unborn child was not growing, and had probably died, and another who had yet another negative pregnancy test. I’ve also seen yet another crying because the teen bio-mom of the baby she was about to adopt changed her mind and decided to keep the baby. It sucks, and FWIW, I’m praying for you.

    If you haven’t already, I would strongly encourage you and your husband to join an infertility support group through your church.

  • http://twitter.com/FertileHeart Fertile Heart

    Kristen, there is a great deal you can do to heal your Polycystic Ovary Syndrome.
    PCOS really is just a name someone made up about a series of symptoms. But those symptoms tell a different story for each woman and they’re a mystery that can be unraveled and healed. The way I read it, it’s also not something that is fait or unfair. It helps me think about health challenges as guests I unknowingly invited into my life; guests who may not look all that attractive, but one who bear gifts nonetheless. Clearly I don’t know enough about your history but I have seen women with PCOS conceive healthy babies. It’s a process and it would call for you to fully engage in your own healing, but others have done it. So it’s possible! This is a link to a page with women sharing their stories of healing with PCOS. http://www.fertileheart.com/testimonials-2/pcos-success-stories/
    My best to you,
    Julia Indichova, founder http://www.fertileheart.com

  • http://twitter.com/MarauderTheSN Marauder

    My parents tried to have me for ten years, the last several of which were filled with infertility treatments. It took loads of time, money, energy and hope on their part, but I’m glad they did it all because otherwise I wouldn’t be here. No matter how your situation turns out, I wish you the best.

  • http://www.facebook.com/ben.marler.3 Ben Marler

    God can do the impossible. I prayed for a couple of “childless” couple on our boat years ago. They had done everything possible with their great wealth but no child. After I prayed for them my wife received an exciting phone call from Cindy, she was pregnant and I was going to be the second person she told, her mom being the first. She received two more children [after prayer again]. There’s much more to her story. I also prayed for many other couples and had them send my photos of their “impossible to have” children. Please allow me to give you some advice and even pray for you if you feel led. Capt. Ben Marler Destin Florida

  • sharon mccoy

    I had a client who, with his wife, was upset that, though they had tried, his wife had not become pregnant. When I understood that the couple strongly supported anti-abortion laws, I urged him to consider that a lot of people who support anti-abortion legislation do not get God to answer their prayers to have children. I suggested that women who do not want to be pregnant have as much of a right to God’s answers to their prayers as do those who want to be pregnant. How could God, an impartial power of Love, answer their prayers for pregnancy while they demanded that God not answer some other people’s prayers not to be pregnant? He became pro-choice and convinced his wife of this view, and not long after, his wife became pregnant. Serious problems sent his wife into the hospital, at which point he realized he did not want to lose his wife to have child, but the problems passed and they had a darling, perfect daughter.

    I urge you to think this over and try what he did.

    • Sorceress

      God says not to fornicate or lead promiscuous lives. This lifestyle is the source of most abortions. If these women seeking abortions had genuine faith in the Lord, why don’t they live as he has prescribed? Problem solved. Pregnancy is a temporary condition; God designed it to end about 38 weeks after conception…it ends with the birth of that child. God’s answer to the prayers of those who don’t want babies is providing adoptive parents who either cannot have children of their own or want to share their abundance (which He has provided) by opening their hearts and homes to a child who needs it. Murdering that child before he or she is born is never God’s answer to a prayer. He wants us ALL to live life.

    • http://twitter.com/CalFreiburger Calvin Freiburger

      This is one of the most convoluted arguments for “choice” I’ve ever read. There’s no logical connection between your speculation about prayers and the relevant questions of what unborn children are and whether they have basic human rights.

    • LivingImage

      Sharon, that is disgusting. You seriously think that a loving God would support the murder of children? God in heaven, forgive Sharon! She is promoting murder, but is so blind as not to see what she does!

    • atozmom5

      The only way your argument could be valid is if you’ve convinced yourself of the ridiculous notion that the “product of conception” is not a baby. Oh wait…you probably have. And why did you need to do that I wonder? Did you beg God to not be pregnant and some point and turn to a tool of Satan (that would be abortion) to get the outcome you wanted?

    • Violet

      “an impartial power of Love” <–Biggest oxymoron I've ever heard in my life, no matter how unique your brand of deism may be. Love is a firm dedication to someone else's well-being. If you don't care about a person's survival, whether they go through the trauma of losing a family member, or how badly they mess up their lives and other people's, it doesn't count as love.

      (Personal disclosure totally inappropriate for an article like this one: I have personally prayed to not be pregnant, and I only feel mildly guilty about it. You see, that's all I did. I figure it doesn't hurt anyone if I just ask; best case scenario, God gives me exactly what I request; worst case scenario, He overlooks my unhelpful feedback; most likely scenario, He does something better than what I could plan for with my limited human understanding. The difference between what I did and what the people in your thought experiment do is the same qualitative difference between praying for a promotion you may not deserve and running over your more qualified coworkers with a truck. At least in Christianity, you just can't equate going out and killing someone to receiving a Divine answer to prayer. (Also in Christianity, no one has the "right" to have any given prayer answered to the letter. God adores helping us out, but He freely admits in the Bible that we often sabotage His assistance by living sinfully, making unethical demands, and so forth.))

      P.S. For what it's worth, I also said a prayer for Mrs. Hatten's medical issue. It can't be any more complicated than creating the universe from scratch! ;)

  • Antigone

    I am so, so sorry. Please know that I am praying for you and your husband.

  • Cameron

    We have 3 amazing little boys through the gift of international adoption! As much as We wanted biological children, these little guys are our very own! Please don’t stereotype adoption until you have done it. We suffered greatly with infertility, but quickly learned how much more sad it was for our children to have no one. At least we had friends, our family, and hope. Orphans around the world have no hope. I would hate for someone to not consider adoption because of your post. We are not rich, but managed to use loans, fund-raise, and save to bring our boys home! Now that they are here…our hearts are overflowing! They are very much our children. There is so much more to being a mother and father than biology. We also view the world differently. Because of our experience with orphanages, our hearts and minds have been changed. We focus on things differently and can only pray and work towards helping orphans. We now are responsible. We also feel responsible to the unborn! If more people adopted and there was a culture of adoption…maybe more mothers would choose life and allow their child to be adopted! Ending abortion and adopting go hand in hand!!

    • http://www.facebook.com/MarlaKristen Kristen Walker

      I did not “stereotype” adoption. My mother and my best friend were both adopted. Like you said, you wanted biological children. So do we. My post in no way encourages people not to choose adoption. But it does point out the FACT that adoption is very expensive and not every couple is able to do it, for that and other reasons. I’m very happy you were able to adopt 3 children.

  • Bridgett

    Here’s a bit of sick irony for you: the most prolific abortionist in our town travels from another city in Georgia to perform abortions here three times a week. Back home, he’s a noted fertility specialist.

    • Laura

      That is sick on so many levels. Do you know if pro-lifers have reached out to him?

    • http://twitter.com/ueberallzuhause ueberallzuhause

      Many methods used by fertility clinics first create and then destroy embroys. So it is not irony, these things are just two sides of the same culture-of-death-coin.

    • atozmom5

      Yeah…the doc who delivered my first never seemed to be thrilled to have me as a patient. I thought it was because he was a fertility specialist for many happily married couples and I was bringing my baby into a far from ideal situation. I found out later that he was an abortionist and probably thought I should have gone that route.

  • Laura

    Thank you for sharing this, Kristen. I’m sure you’ve seen it already, but http://www.1flesh.org/ has a lot of great resources. The Pope Paul VI institute is also excellent.

    I’ve seen a couple of my extended family members go through infertility and cannot imagine how hard this is for you (I’m not married yet either). Here (http://infertilecatholic.blogspot.com/2012/08/st-philomena-novena.html) is a novena you might be interested in.

    My prayers are with you and your husband as God’s plan unfolds for your family. Thank you for writing about this important issue.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1000051635 Chrissi Fisher

    Kristen, I think the one comment about stereotypes might be the use of the word “own”. As adoptive parents we kinda sorta cringe when we hear people say things about “your own”, “their own”, “our own”. 90% of the adopting population try to conceive a child prior to the adoption process, but the children they finally adopt are now very much “their own”. I’m part of the 10% that didn’t try to become pregnant…didn’t really try not to either honestly..we wanted to adopt and I have a pretty big suspicion that we’re infertile without the formal diagnosis. Our son couldn’t be more my own, our own, if I had created and carried him. When people say, “we want to have our own baby” it sets off the adoptive alarm that implies our children aren’t our own. It might sound totally insane, but that’s the general gist of emotions and words. I don’t take offense to the use of the words, if anything I take the time to kindly suggest alternate phrases or words be used. It all sounds very “PC’ish” but if anything it helps the kids who hear and then ask their parents…am I your own…I’m not really your own, am I? It’s really about the kids from my perspective.
    Others have mentioned Foster Adoption for low to no fee processes. That’s an option for sure. Domestic Infant Adoption is (can be) expensive, it doesn’t have to be. Networking on your own and using an attorney rather than an agency can take those higher agency fees out of the picture. The tax credit was helpful, now that’s all up in the air…it’s looking like a credit with the refund piece out of the picture. But the credit can be extended over 5 years. There are grants, it takes research and an investment of time, but there are grants out there. (Fees can be lowered. The standards you mentioned are pretty reasonable honestly…prove your safe, not on drugs and able to care for a child. At times I think the standards aren’t high enough)

    I know people who were told they were infertile and would never conceive who’ve successfully conceived with help from Napro doctors. I know people who’ve adopted only to look back and wish they’d skipped all of the time and expenses from fertility treatments. Whatever you do allow yourself to heal and fully move into the phase you choose. That’s the biggest deal, being where you are with your full heart and mind….because that’s for the kids too.

    And yes, the continuing point of your article… it’s vile that half a million children are being slaughtered while parents are waiting with open hearts. At times I catch my breath knowing that whether or not my son’s birth mother did or did not think about abortion, it’s a legal option that he and every child born today survived. Half a million just like him did not survive. I’ve heard all of the “brood mare” slings. I don’t look at any woman as my potential incubator or brood mare. Her child already conceived deserves life and family, whether with expectant mom or the adoptive parents of her choosing. Half a million dead children is unacceptable, regardless of who will parent.

    • Jennie

      I’ve really never had the desire to have biological children. Maybe it’s because I’m adopted and I was so thoroughly loved and accepted by my adoptive family that I never felt that genetics were important. I used to wonder why more people didn’t consider it incredibly vain to see having children who share genetic material so important. I planned to adopt and never have my own kids. And then I accidentally got pregnant and had my beautiful little girl. There’s something so special about seeing you and your spouse combined into a whole other perfect tiny human being that you nurtured in your own body. Though hearing all the comments about how my daughter looks just like my husband’s sister or cousin or grandma *all* the time and that she looks nothing like me sometimes drives me crazy (like I said, I’m an adoptee so I have no biological relatives to compare her to) it’s pretty awesome to know that she has some of me in there, regardless of whether you can see it. Actually, it’s kind of strange sometimes to see parts of me in her because I’ve never known anyone biologically related to me before. My likeness in her probably strikes me more for that very reason. I think the desire to reproduce as God originally intended is a natural, good desire that we may not even realize we have until it’s happened.

      That being said, would I love her any differently had she been adopted? I highly doubt it. I expected some strange instant bond to form with her the moment after her birth because of our genes, and that didn’t happen. I had to get to know her like I’ve have to get to know everyone in my life. And I have to admit, I get a little offended when people ask me about my “real” parents, as if the mom and dad who raised me are pretend parents. I actually had someone say to me, after learning that my oldest brother (who was my parents’ biological child) died, “Oh, wow. And that was their real son? That must have been so difficult.” As if losing one of their adopted children would have been easier.

      However, Kristen, both myself and my younger (not biological) brother were in foster care before we were adopted. The cost was minimal. I think they said they only paid for the court fees which totaled a couple hundred between our two, separate adoptions. I was placed with them in foster care the day after I was born and finally adopted when I was about 2 and a half. I’ve never had any other family. So adopting through foster care doesn’t necessarily mean getting a child who has severe attachment issues due to being bounced around from home to home (though it can). That may or may not be a concern of yours but I know it is to many. It’s something to consider. Regardless, I am very sorry that you are dealing with infertility issues. I can’t imagine the pain you’re going through. I’ll pray for you.

  • Lauri

    We were infertile and chose adoption to have a family. Our son as a baby thru a private adoption and our daughter thru CPS at age 10. This IS GOD’s PLAN for us and our children. The financial resources came as needed when needed. We are pro-life because we see a person’s value in their Creator rather than in their wantedness.

  • Rebuilding the Walls

    Adoption is expensive depending on where you go. I wonder if she’s considered county adoptions? Help is available if you know where to look. My middle class income Parents have adopted 5 children through the county over the last 10yrs. These children are absolutely amazing, irreplaceable and deserving of love & healing as much as anyone else. We wouldn’t trade them for anything. Adoptions through the county almost always involve some sort of abuse/neglect however that doesn’t mean all have special needs. If you’re not comfortable with that, it’s just a matter of setting your own criteria for age, health status etc. Many, many, many precious children available here in California.

  • Stephanie

    My heart aches for you. I hope the journey ends with abundant life.

  • http://profile.yahoo.com/DIC3XGZBFLZCL4AZBOCGTMI4EU JennyB

    I am sorry, Kristen. We have a family member whose wife is now pregnant after trying to conceive for about 5 years. God has a plan for you and your husband. I will say a prayer for you!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=659136033 Kim Royer Owens

    Thank you so much for sharing this Kristin. Your courage is inspiring and ministers to my heart. xo

  • Nicole

    Thank you for sharing your heart, Kristen. I’ve had the same sickening feelings about abortion and infertility. We live in such a fallen world with broken bodies and sheer evil surrounding us. Come quickly, Lord Jesus!

    In case you ever do feel lead toward adoption, I want to encourage you about the expenses. The dollar amount can seem frightening and unattainable, but I’ve seen the money miraculously fall into the hands of adoptive parents time and time again. With your connections in the pro-life field, the $40,000 (give or take) you’d need for an international adoption might be easier to raise than you think. Friends and complete strangers might unexpectedly donate thousands of dollars, you could apply for adoption grants, hold garage sales/chili suppers/musical performances as fund raisers. Sell items in an etsy store or even place a tactful donation button on your blog. And the adoption tax credit just increased this past week, too! Orphaned children desperately need families and God can provide in amazing ways!

  • TraderTif

    I second the Pope Paul VI Institute (PPVI). I have PCOS, and my case was so bad (non-ovulatory for well over a decade, despite medication) that the doctors (12 different ones) told me I had no chance of having children. I went out to the Pope Paul VI Institute, and had an ovarian wedge resection (covered by my health insurance, because it’s medical treatment, not fertility treatment). I’ve been cycling (relatively) normally ever since, and became pregnant just weeks after my wedding, without even needing the clomid. (Surprising everyone, even the PPVI doctors, lol.)

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Bobby-Rodriguez/1041371491 Bobby Rodriguez

    Life is ironic. My wife and I were ambivalent about having children. We got pregnant and birthed a perfect spoiled little girl . After a year we ran an Excel spreadsheet to determine the costs of raising anymore kids on teachers’ salaries and the next day I had an appt with the urologist to shut down the factory. Factory reopened on its own some years later and then we were pregnant again, but decided to terminate. She had her tubes tied, and two years later, another pregnancy and another termination at a women’s clinic. Finally, another tube tying adn another trip to the urologist finally resolved our overfertile biology. But yes, life is ironic. . .but in the end we got the lifestyle we wanted.

    • atozmom5

      Forgive me if I’m not over the moon about your selfishness. Are you trying to gloat? Are you trying to rub the author’s face in the pile of all of her negative pregnancy tests?

      • atozmom5

        Oh…and I’ll be praying intently for your child.

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Bobby-Rodriguez/1041371491 Bobby Rodriguez

        No. I was simply acknowledging and reflecting back her argument of irony. We did not want to be so overfertile. We had the one kid and family structure we wanted. We had to go to the same extremes to stop getting pregnant that she and others do to try to get pregnant. In our case, two abortions, two vasectomies, a tubal ligation and an IUD implant shoved up there for good measure.. . .you know, like a back up parachute.

  • gabriellav

    I too was infertile so I can relate. It is was an emptiness with no end for me. With time it got better. I adopted two children from non profit agencies. I would love to share the info with you. I would highly recommend CPO out of Jenks Oklahoma. It is very reasonable, they CARE, and there is a tax credit for a few more years!!

  • Denise

    My husband and I have been trying to conceive for over 10 years, to no avail. I was reluctant to adopt a child as well, not only because of a natural desire to give birth, but also because I gave a son up for adoption 14 years ago. I could not come to terms with the idea of going through that very painful experience over again, even on the other side of the fence. Doctors told me invitro was an option; however, as I am a life-long prolife advocate, I could not justify bringing several lives in to the world with the hopes of having just one or two; in the invitro fertilization process, they create several lives, implant many with knowledge that they will abort, freeze a few or just discard them. I didn’t find this option any less repugnant than abortion. I told God that I wanted a child and would be willing to adopt, but that I if this was His will, then He needed to bring the birth mother to me. Over 5 years ago, I was approached by a high school student who was a friend of the family and asked to become the adoptive mother of my now son, Justus, who is 5. As a brith mother and an adoptive mother, I can tell you that there is a difference in the “feeling” that I had toward my birth son at birth and my adoptive son; namely, the difference was more one of feeling like the “real” mom to that child at the time of birth and the hormonal push that chemically bonds a mother to child. However, after being a “mom” to my adoptive son for several months, and then years, I can tell you that he is more of a “real” son to me than my actual birth son, who I’ve never mothered. Don’t get me wrong, I love my birth son, and still recieve letters and pictures, but the mother/child relationship is not there. It is with my adoptive son, and that what makes our relationship “real”. It is an emotional process that you will work through if you do decide to adopt, and I would encourage you to do so if you would like to be a mom. It is, truthfully, the best things that has ever happened to me.

    • atozmom5

      I had a friend whose birth son died in an accident and she was never able to have another. She and her husband adopted then when my daughter had a friend experiencing a crisis pregnancy (at age 16) they said they would adopt her baby but her parents threatened to kick her out if she didn’t abort. She did what her parents wanted. So sorry for your struggle.

  • http://twitter.com/Sparki777 S.L. Hansen

    Kristen, I feel for you. My husband and I went through almost three years of unexplained infertility. (In the long run, it was determined that my immune system was killing off my husband’s sperm like it was a virus, so we had to trick my immune system into not being so diligent.) Meanwhile, babies were being aborted, a woman in Texas was drowning her five healthy kids, and my 16-yr-old sister in law was pregnant for the second time…and then two years later, the third. I’m a big fan of adoption, too, but since my husband is adopted and had never met any of his biological relatives, I wanted to try for at least one so he could have that connection. It was the worst time in our marriage – so hard to admit that maybe we weren’t supposed to become “one flesh” after all. I threw myself before the Lord, night after night, and eventually wrote the following poem. Maybe it will help you through your dark nights:

    The cup He hands me is bitter
    Yet I must drink my fill
    For life is my own no longer
    I bow unto His will
    I might cry and beg for rescue
    I might weep till my tears are spent
    But for His sake is my body broken
    I, for His glory, am rent.

  • Elizabeth

    This article has left me torn. On one hand, I am very much against abortion and I am very familiar with struggles to conceive. So, you would expect me to love your viewpoint.

    On the other hand, I am appalled at your arrogance and ignorance. You proudly dismiss IVF and casually compare it to the horrible practices described in “Brave New World.” How absolutely insulting for the women who have used IVF to conceive. You have no idea what you are talking about. You also point out that you are using cheaper fertility treatments because you cannot afford adoption, (or IVF I assume). First, please do not underestimate how dangerous those drugs are in comparison to IVF. Those people you have seen in the news or on reality shows, (e. g. Kate Gosslin) got their multiples by doing the “cheaper” fertility treatments. As far as your references to money, if you were really serious about having children through adoption or IVF you would find a way. If you can’t “face the even more daunting prospect of trying to scrape up the money to adopt” then what are you planning to do if you actually have a child and they want to go to college?

    Next time, think before you write and stop offending the people who would be your supporters.

    • http://twitter.com/ueberallzuhause ueberallzuhause

      IVF means that many eggs are fertilized. Multiple embryos are then implanted into the womans uterus, and the rest is frozen. From the implanted embryos, some don’t make it, usually most don’t. If all make it, however, doctors often suggest to reduce, that is, kill some of the unborn children so that there are only one, two or three left. The frozen embryos can either be implanted later, used for sience, or are “destroyed” if they are not needed anymore. So, this method is totally unacceptable to pro-lifers, as there are many embryos created, most of which die or remain frozen or are treated as waste after a while. The woman has to undergo massive interventions, and there are some risks (both for mother and child) involved that are rarely talked about.

      So, you won’t like it, but “Brave New World” is actually a pretty good description of what is going on when using IVF or some other methods.

  • Jeni C

    Kristen, my love…I wept reading this, because it took me back to my own struggles, and my own heart-wrenching struggle with fighting the battle for those who have no voice. I can clearly remember seriously considering walking into one of the clinics where I sidewalk counseled, grabbing those girls by the shoulders and shaking them, begging them to understand what a gift they’ve been given…begging them to let that child live and give it to me – I’ll raise them, I’ll love them, I’ll get up at 3am when they have the sniffles…just don’t throw away this gift that I would give almost anything to be given. The pain is still fresh and raw, a decade later.

    And I further remember that any words of hope that were said to me by someone who had children – no matter how hard they struggled to get them – sadly fell on deaf ears, because I was so distraught and broken that my only (mental) response was, “You don’t understand! Yeah, you struggled. Good for you. But you HAVE a child. You won the game. I still have an empty womb and enough negative pee-sticks to circle the globe. Stuff it.”

    I tell you that so you are aware that I’m totally fine with you flushing anything I have to say. I get it. I do. But that is not going to stop me from saying what I want you to hear…

    Don’t give up hope. Don’t crawl into that deep dark hole that swallowed me up, pulling your wall so tight around you that nothing can penetrate it. There is love, my darling…and where there is love there is always hope. God’s timing is not our timing, as frustrating as that may be, and I hated it when people said that to me – but it’s true. The timing has to be just right, so that He can send down that perfect, precious little soul that is meant to be yours – by whatever means it is procured. But you are early in this fight, still, my sweet girl. And I beg of you to take refuge in the fact that your prayers ARE heard and will be answered in the best way possible and according to plan. Remember that we only see the strings and messy underside of this tapestry of life – it is only God who can see the beautiful picture being woven above.

    Have faith. Have hope. Your family will be exactly what it is meant to me, in the time it is meant to be. I love you so.

    • atozmom

      I want to go in and shake the women too and I had no trouble conceiving. I can only imagine the intensity of your frustration.

    • http://www.facebook.com/MarlaKristen Kristen Walker

      Thank you. I love you, too.

  • mnmwab

    Just for those of you recommending low cost or foster to adoption options, we tried this and it was not what you would expect. At all. We tried domestic and were told to go overseas, which is drastically more expensive and requires visits we can’t afford because we both work. We are childless after 16 years of marriage, but will never give up trying to bring a biological child into the world.

    • atozmom5

      How was it not what what was expected? Honestly…because my husband and I are considering it. (We do have biological children.)

  • Anne Marie

    I feel your pain sista, I feel your pain, and every month in rode Aunt Flo with the cyclical refrain, “barren, infertile, childless, broken, failure”, and every day I drove past the local high school with the strollers lined up where the bike racks once stood, and choked back the tears. Now I’m a momma. My stork was exhausted, took him 9 1/2 years to find me and the poor guy brought us a whopper at 48 lbs, but arrive he did. Not via the usual means mind you, and not what I imagined, but a blessing from the Lord and our pride and joy.

  • JRPrice

    You are me. Your story is my story. My husband and I were never able to conceive and as full-time missionaries, outside of a miraculous financial windfall, we’d never have the finances to be able to adopt. Hence after 15 years of marriage and at our age now, no agency would approve us even if we did get the money. I feel the same as you with regards to abortion: “abortion is misery and cruelty made manifest.”

    BTW: When my husband and I were in an Eastern European country where we served as missionaries, we pleaded with one woman not to have an abortion and since she didn’t want a baby we told her we would gladly and joyfully take it. She opted to kill her child anyway to “spite her boyfriend.” Imagine the depths of that pain. So when pro-choice people talk about “unwanted babies”, I wanna just scream.

  • Tauna

    Kristen, I am always amazed at the comments, the sheer # of comments one article can attract. I see that some have mentioned NaProTechnology, and I’m fully aware that your doctor may not know anything about it, even though it has been around for over 30+ years and has had HUGE successes not only on the fertility front but in women’s health in general. It is now gaining recognition but still most doctors…especially if they think that all natural family planning methods simply don’t work…won’t go to the trouble or expense to learn these new techniques. I believe that every couple should at least ask themselves if adoption is an option for them, whether they have children or not, so please don’t think I’m trying to sway you from adoption. But if in you heart you want to have a baby, which is what I read in your article, then I have recommend you find a NaPro doctor and start down that route. About 6 years ago, right around when my husband and I started trying to have a baby, I found out that I too have PCOS, endometriosis, and severe hormone difficiencies. Through the help of my NaPro doctor, and the understanding of MY body (not someone elses…or a one size fits all approach) we did concieve, and since then have had 3 beautiful baby boys. ALL of this had a secondary blessing attached to it…because I knew I had hormone difficiencies we were able to supplement my progesterone through out pregnancy to ensure that I did not miscarry or have a our boys premature. I will keep you and your husband in prayer and if you want more information, there is book called Women Healed, http://www.naprotechnology.com/womenhealed.htm, that I would highly recommend!

  • Diane L Kearny

    Having your ‘own’ is a blessing but so too is the blessing of being able to adopt and calling that child your own. The real blessing though is that every child conceived should be allowed their choice at life.

  • Ignacio Reyes

    This post made me cry. May the Lord comfort you. And may this blog convict and break down the strongholds of the abotion minded.

  • scragsma

    Kristen – All I can say is: Thank you for sharing your story. We can all learn from it. Don’t give up, because we serve a powerful God!

  • Madeline Keck

    God bless you.

  • TP

    Dear Kristen,

    Have you considered that diet may be a contributing factor? Most of the time our culture does not consider food as medicine, but I strongly believe that food is a huge piece of the health puzzle. Here is an article addressing PCOS. My prayer is that this would be of some help to you.

    http://www.westonaprice.org/ask-the-doctor/pcos?qh=YToyOntpOjA7czo0OiJwY29zIjtpOjE7czozOiJwY28iO30%3D

  • Kasey

    Stay strong Kristen. I can relate such feelings. It took 5 years for my husband and I to conceive our first child after we were married. I pray that you are blessed with a child, some how, some way. God bless you.

  • Charlotte

    I have PCOS…and I have 2 children. Just thought you ought to know there is hope. I’ve never been told that having PCOS means you can’t ovulate. I was diagnosed during my graduate degree, just before I was married…and I was told to go on the pill (which I did for a couple of years, unfortunately, before I found out what it was doing to my body / that it was an abortifacient – seems this is a “best-kept secret” by most ob/gyns still today) and to avoid caffeine which could increase the instances and size of cysts. You have probably already explored many options for boosting your fertility, but consider also what misinformation from docs can do to your state of mind…if you are told you can’t conceive you automatically stress out and your body shuts down making it less likely that your body will function normally. Have you gotten a second opinion from a pro-life / naturopathic gyn? If there’s one thing I’ve learned in the last few years it’s that most docs these days don’t know what the hell they are talking about and they often suggest radical interventions when holistic /minimalistic approaches can be more beneficial.

  • Violet

    Post-postscript: While I expect everyone’s prayers are sufficient to resolve the ovary malfunction sooner or later, Mrs. Hatten has still made it to the top of my potential-parents-to-contact-if-I-do-someday-conceive-a-kid-before-figuring-out-how-to-care-for-them list. I may not ever be in that situation, but it’s comforting to have someone on the list through pure merit rather than blood and proximity. ^_^;

  • http://www.facebook.com/john.doey.73700 John Doey

    There is still a chance you can get pregnant with PCOS. Ex-gf suffered from it and she conceived a child a healthy girl with her now husband. Downside is that kid has her as a mother and would have been better off not being born or put up for adoption but either way you can still get preggers with PCOS. Why are you tying that to the abortion argument? You realize that you want a child and women who abort don’t, right? sad that you so desire a child and can’t have one but that doesn’t mean I’m going to move to forcing women to have children they don’t want to make the mothers that are barren feel better about the world.

  • http://twitter.com/ladydonnalands Donna Lands

    My oldest daughter also has PCOS..I am sure you have gone through every herb possible to get your hormones in order huh? I read where Chaste Tree Berry does wonders for conception because it actually works with the Pituary gland which induces the ovaries to produce eggs. I am 51 and I have hemochromatosis so having a mensis is healthy for me. I took the Suzanne Somers approach..It keeps me balanced. I saw a health show about this issue and recall telling my daughter but she was on something else. I am so sorry I cant recall what that was..Please forgive me.
    My daughter is 32 and has tried for over 10 years. She has cried rivers of tears..I am so sorry sweetie..I pray our sweet Lord sends his angels to hold you and hug you. I pray God swoops up your pain and fills your life with his light today and always!