(IAmUntold) After two abortions and a miscarriage, I wasn’t sure a family of my own would ever be in my future. Sometimes finding forgiveness within yourself can be the hardest place to look.
I was 16 and as my parents sat on either side of me, they told me the answer to my questions about why I was recently so sick. I had morning sickness, I was pregnant. I told them they were wrong and that it couldn’t happen to me. I went through the next two days confused as everyone was telling me so many things and how I wasn’t ready for something like this, and it just wouldn’t be good for me.
Two days later I had an appointment and my mother took me to have an abortion. I was numb about what I had done to myself and for the next few years I spiraled down and away from God, whom I had always been close to growing up.
I went off to college and managed to go through two more serious boyfriends and the loss of my father. I never got to talk to him about my pregnancy and find out if he was mad, disappointed, or what he thought. It seemed to haunt me on a daily basis – to see the signs and people protesting what I had done, and it was taboo to talk about my life.
I kept looking for someone to love me and help me get through things. When I was in college I met a guy with two kids and thought he was my answer and that he would understand. Suddenly I was swept up by someone who really didn’t care about me as much as I thought, and soon I was lost and alone and pregnant again.
A week later I had a miscarriage. I thought God was telling me that maybe I wasn’t worthy to have another child and it killed me inside.
I then ended up pregnant a third time and I thought to myself, ‘I will do it all on my own and I’ll find a way to finish college and make it happen.’ I was told by others that I couldn’t make it, life would be terrible, and the baby’s father would never be there or help me. My family told me it was a bad idea and finally the guy even told me he really didn’t want any part of it either. I was broken and drowning in terrible thoughts for myself and a baby that would be unloved and forgotten by others. I started feeling physical pains again, and it only made me think I couldn’t do this anymore.
I made an appointment and again lost my baby.
I now am a graduate with a Bachelor’s degree, a mother of two girls and married to a man that would do anything for us. I prayed for help after going through all these things, and I really had to separate myself from all the evil of the world that influenced me to do things I don’t think I would ever do again.
I love my children fully with 100% of my heart and will never let anyone take them away from me. God knows I have five babies and they are all mine. It took me a long time (over 10 years) to even be able to speak about this and deal with who I was and what I had done. I asked God for forgiveness and he forgave me, but that wasn’t enough.
I hurt my babies and myself, so just like in any relationship, I needed to ask my babies to forgive me as their mother and allow myself to still love them and pray for them. I told God that something was missing, and as I listened to music, prayed and worshiped God, He gave me just what I needed: I needed to forgive myself.
I am still working on it, but I am a proud mother of five and have an amazing family that I’m still working on because God has given me the grace to do so.
“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” 2 CORINTHIANS 12:9
Editor’s Note: Original story shared on IAMUNTOLD.ORG – please visit the site to view the music video of UNTOLD, by Matthew West, along with other stories and resources. Story is reprinted here with permission.