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Published: May 3, 2012 5:14 pm to Opinion Column

Seven steps to accepting abortion

Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece.

Despite the fact that we are in the age of the pill and abortions, many have a hard time accepting this new “way of life.” Such people foolishly do not realize the necessities of such things – not only in situations of sex before marriage and rape, but also when women simply do not feel like having to take care of a child. After all, another child put up for adoption is just more work for us civilized people. So, in order to cure this problem, I have concocted a simple plan toward accepting abortion in a way that will completely numb one’s mind from this common reality.

1) It’s okay because everyone does it. Repeat this phrase to yourself 1 million times, stopping all reason from entering into your mind. After you’re finished, continue immediately to the next step, and your brain should be confused just enough to begin the process of acceptance.

2) She had an abortion, and she isn’t the devil. Go and find some pro-choice woman who had an abortion and is not sorry about it. Make sure that you do not accidentally meet a woman who regrets her abortion and is scarred for life. Be very careful, as these latter women are common, and one may convince you to never accept abortion. The safest bet is to visit someplace like Planned Parenthood, where they will show you the few women who are happy about the procedure.

3) Stick with the misconception that the fetus is not a human being. Ignore any contrary evidence shown to you by pro-life activists or scientists; they are biased anyway and do not know what they’re talking about. Convince yourself that the fetus is a blob of tissue and not an actual baby.

4) Void yourself of any emotions. Claim that “murder” is an emotional and misused word, and numb every emotion of guilt and sadness because such feelings are just misleading.

5) Do not affiliate with Christianity. It is very hard, if not impossible, to be a Christian and pro-choice at the same time. If you want to hold onto your faith, then take a pair of scissors and cut the following passages out of the Bible: Exodus 20:13, Exodus 23:7, Deuteronomy 30:19, Job 31:15, Psalm 127:3, Psalm 139: 13-16, and 1 Corinthians 3:16-17. There are many more, so make sure that you thoroughly comb through Scripture and pluck out anything that does not tolerate abortion procedures. Jesus was pro-life, so you might want to cut out the New Testament, too.

6)  Stubbornly say that the fetus is a part of the woman’s body. If you let those evil, emotional pro-life people get into your head and convince you that the fetus is a separate human being, then you have no chance of accepting abortion.

7) Make sure you never see an ultrasound. Also, make sure that you do not accidentally run into a pro-life activist who might convince you to hate abortion once again. And make sure that you stay off of the internet, or at least stick to the safe sites like Newsweek and Time. And never watch an actual abortion procedure because your emotional and weak side might slip and let you fall back into your old views. As a matter of fact, it is safest if you become a hermit and live in the woods or move to a place where you will never meet a contrary pro-life person again.

About Angela Kim

Angela Kim is the president of the Teenage Life Club.
View all posts by Angela Kim

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  • Faith

    Part of the rationale in the first instance (number 1 above) is the legality of abortion–and the argument when abortion was legalized was that it would make abortion rare.  Instead, it has normalized abortion.

  • FB123

    Has anyone ever read a Modest Proposal by Jonathan Swift?  A very, very sick satire that suggests we starving adults eat the children of less worth. This article just reminded me of it for some reason.   A parallel?  It’s wrong to kill children out of the womb for our convience, but it’s permissible to end the life of a fetus (or if you prefer it blunter: kill a slightly younger child) within the womb… for our convenience.

  • barefoot cinderella

    satire.. i like it.. 

  • Faithkuz

    I tried writing a satire of Sebelius and one of her minions.  I think part of the difficulty today is the satire sounds too much as though it’s a legitimate report.