Analysis

The shocking Ashley Judd rape joke… that never happened

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So, so shocking.

Judd-Pelosi

Ashley Judd all smiles with Nancy Pelosi.

Mother Jones is shocked.

The Huffington Post is shocked.

The left, everywhere, is shocked. It’s shocking. It’s really, really so terribly shocking. And appalling and disgusting. That in these times, here in the year of our deity (or no deity because that, too, is a valid life-path) 2013, terrible, misogynistic men like Steven Crowder still exist.

This man-beast, this throwback to an unenlightened age, when women were forced to stay home and vacuum in high heels and pearls, clearly hates women, probably because he wasn’t breastfed hard enough. Steven Crowder is asked to speak at clandestine cabals like the Conservative Political Action Conference. And he stands up and he opens his vile mouth, and he says this:

This just in: Ashley Judd just tweeted that purchasing apple products is akin to rape… from her iPhone… Rape? Really, now she knows what my mind felt like after Divine Secrets of [the] Ya Ya Sisterhood.

Satan – I mean Steven – Crowder, also said, “What is this obsession with Ashley Judd and rape? It’s pretty unnerving.” This is extremely insensitive because Ashley Judd was sexually abused as a child. That means that she is allowed to be dismissive of the horror of rape by comparing it to things like iPhones and mining. We, however, are not. Unless you, too, were sexually abused. Then you can get written permission from Ashley and it’s okay to compare things to rape that totally aren’t.

Let me just recap, okay? I need to make sure you know the rules:

Ashley Judd makes comments that minimize the atrocity of rape, such as comparing it to Apple or mining: okay

Steven Crowder makes joke about the fact that Ashley Judd has minimized the atrocity of rape: not okay

Remember, Ashley Judd is a sexual abuse victim. She is also very famous, pretty, and loud. She has lots of money, and she’s running for Senate against an evil, by which I mean Republican, man, Mitch McConnell. She also bravely supports abortion. I’m very glad Steven Crowder didn’t point out the irony of a victim of sexual abuse supporting a procedure which is often used to help perpetrators cover up the results of their abuse – i.e., babies. That would have been extremely mean and inappropriate.

In all seriousness, this horrifying rape-related joke about Ashley Judd? It didn’t happen. Watch the video yourself.

We live in a sick time, when a woman downplays the severity of rape, gets called out on it by a dude, and that dude gets slammed in the media for mentioning her name and rape in the same sentence. However, you could make actual jokes about Sarah Palin getting actually raped, and the same websites that are pretending to be horrified by Steven Crowder would probably put you on staff, or at least call you “brave” and “subversive.”

Ashley Judd is challenging a prominent Republican for a Senate seat, so the media is on the job. They’re going to help her get elected, and Steven Crowder is just one of many who will have straw spun into gold by HuffPo, et al. to boost her campaign. This is a great opportunity for them to make Ashley Judd to look like a victim rather than the shrill, narcissistic ideologue she is.

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