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Why does Jezebel think Hugh Jackman is a “dirt bag”?

It truly is a crazy world out there in Jezebel land.

Sunday’s blog post was super-serious and personal, so today I’m going a little lighthearted. I perused the pages of Jezebel for these juicy tidbits of crazy dumbness. Enjoy them while I go wash my eyeballs with soap.

Crazy Dumb Thing #1: Liam Neeson is a “dirt bag” for saying the world is too sexy.

Somebody at Jezebel accidentally opened up an issue of the Catholic Herald and found Liam Neeson talking about sex. Now, I am not crazy about the fact that Neeson portrayed sex researcher Alfred “Everyone Is Kind of Gay” Kinsey in a biopic several years ago, but I like Liam Neeson. He has a very particular set of skills – skills he has acquired over a very long career. Skills that make him a nightmare for people like you. (I’ve seen Taken twelve times.)

Anyway, here is what Liam said about sex that makes him a “dirt bag” to Jezebel:

There’s a problem that, if you become over-familiar with something, it moves from the sacred to almost the profane. The act is very, very special, you know. It’s full of mystery and wonder, and I’d hate us all to get to the stage where we just treat it lightly, because it deserves more than that … but times have changed since I was young, no doubt about it.

Reading Jezebel makes me feel like I’m in Oppositeland. Abortion is liberating, swearing means you’re smart, and a man who finds sex sacred is a dirt bag.

Liam Neeson, by the way, lost his wife in a skiing accident a few years ago and finished raising his sons alone. He is also a Catholic and has raised his children as Catholics. What an a-hole.

Crazy Dumb Thing #2: Jessica Simpson is gross for getting pregnant.

The headline says “Jessica Simpson Finally Confirms She Has A Baby In Her Again.” Yeah. She “has a baby in her.” That is their cute, snarky, disgusted way of saying Jessica Simpson is pregnant. Every sentence of the short blurb is dripping with “ewww.” They might as well have just written: “Jessica Simpson and being pregnant: two gross things that go great together.”

I remember when I was a pro-choice fauxminist in my early 20s, when I showed a great deal of contempt for pregnant people. I didn’t really feel it, but I pretended to, because that’s what all the smart girls did. We acted like we were more than just gross fat incubators doomed to lives of diaper-changing and stroller-pushing and SUVs and unfulfilled husbands.

I’m not claiming Jessica Simpson is a role model or a smart, great, cool person. Hey, I don’t even know her. I just feel like when somebody who really wants babies and takes good care of them gets pregnant, it’s worthy of a little better than barely-concealed disgust.

But hey, this is Oppositeland! What the rest of the world sees as a reason to rejoice – a new life has been created! – Jezebel sees as something at which to scoff.

Crazy Dumb Thing #3: Hugh Jackman is a “dirt bag” for…grieving over his wife’s miscarriages?

I actually cannot figure out what is going on in this blurb. I am not a citizen of Oppositeland. I don’t speak the language; I don’t know the terrain. I cannot figure out from reading this why Hugh Jackman is a “dirt bag.” Is it because his wife had miscarriages and he grieved over them? Is it because he is proud of his wife for making sacrifices raising their family? I just don’t know.

I’m not alone in my confusion: someone in the comments wrote “Can someone tell if Hugh Jackman has done anything wrong?”

But there he is, at the top of the page, his sad-looking face probably thinking about miscarriages, under the heading “Dirt Bag.”

The same writer who thought Jessica Simpson’s pregnancy was ewie is the one who thinks Hugh is a dirt bag for grieving over miscarriages and feeling grateful to his wife for putting her career aside to raise their children. This writer might be the mayor of Oppositeland.

I like Hugh Jackman even more after reading that. I love that he grieved for those miscarriages, because it means he recognized they were human beings. And I love that he recognizes what a brave, misunderstood choice a woman makes when she sees motherhood as a vocation instead of something to be done in her spare time. Granted, not all women have the luxury, but she did, and she made a fantastic choice for her family.

I hope you’ve all enjoyed this trip through the pages of Jezebel, a place that makes little sense to most of us. Today we’ve learned that Jessica Simpson is gross for being pregnant, Liam Neeson is an a-hole for finding sex sacred, and Hugh Jackman is a real jerk for loving his wife and kids.

Good luck out there. It’s a crazy world.

Author’s note: Based on early comments, I’d like to clarify that, yes, I am aware “Dirt Bag” is Jezebel’s so-clever name for their gossip page. I am also aware that what they put on that page, especially to lead under the big “Dirt Bag” heading, is no accident. If it is, they haven’t bothered to disavail their readers of that impression, as you can tell from the comments.

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