Ladies. All the ladies:

I want you to sit down. Make sure you have plenty of water and maybe a medical professional nearby. Take deep breaths and try to remain very calm while I tell you this:

Mitt Romney, if elected, will immediately send troops into your home to aim giant guns at your uterus. Your reproductive organs will no longer be under your control, but will belong to the United States and the Republican Party, to be done with as they please. (This will probably involve forcing you to give birth to Evangelical babies who love guns and country music.) While your uterus is placed under armed guard, your birth control pills, IUDs, condoms, and all other lady-plumbing related accessories will be confiscated by bureaucrats (white Christian male bureaucrats) and replaced with Bibles and Kirk Cameron DVDs.

Because of this, you, as a woman, need to vote for Barack Obama. Only Barack Obama can protect your uterus.

The above photo was posted on the Obama campaign’s official Tumblr, then later removed. “Vote like your lady parts depend on it,” reads the someecards.com-inspired pro-Obama meme. Underneath it, the campaign added, “Because they kinda do.”

Hear that, ladies? This is what we’re calling feminism nowadays. Only Big Daddy Gub’mint, in the dreamy personage of Barack Obama, can protect your lady-plumbing.

How many women, besides bloggers for RH Reality Check and Jezebel, actually think there are major party candidates interested in taking away your birth control pills exerting total control over all your reproductive organs?

The answer is: probably too many.

I wish I could believe that most women are smart enough to realize this. I want to believe that the majority of women are actually thinking about the future of the country, the economy, the collapsing Middle East, maybe even the human rights of the unborn. I really, really hope there are no more than a few women who have their vote influenced by Eva Longoria’s shiny hair.

I want to believe women realize that this idea – “Vote like your lady parts depend on it.” – is utterly degrading.

The War on Women rhetoric is a way of using identity politics to win votes, just like screaming that a certain party is racist or hates illegal immigrants.

I call women who fall for radical feminism “fauxminists.” I – a pro-life woman – am a real feminist – because I, unlike those who put their health and fertility in the hands of abortionists and birth control peddlers and the whole so-called “women’s health” industry, actually have total control over my lady parts. Me. I don’t need the government or an abortionist or a gynecologist getting kickbacks from Mirena to contribute to the care of my girlie business. I make my own decisions, and if I decided to take hormonal birth control, I would pay for it myself, because I am a capable woman, and this is America, not Afghanistan. I don’t need protection from any politicians or elected officials, and I don’t need anyone - male or otherwise - to buy me dangerous pills or kill my unborn child for me.

Unfortunately, too many single women decry the whole idea of “needing” a husband, then treat government like their husband. “Can I have a few bucks, honey? I need some pills and abortions.”

Meanwhile, in enlightened, socialist France, which, like most of enlightened, socialist Europe, is drowning in debt, a new budget has been proposed. You see, right now, there is a co-payment for abortion in the land of croissants et baguettes, so that only about 70 to 80 percent of the cost is covered. Quel dommage!

Via LifeNews.com, the AFP says:

France on Monday unveiled a package of reforms designed to increase access to abortion, including 100 percent reimbursement of medical costs by the state social security system.

Oh, but that’s not enough! President Hollande wants to make sure that any woman, anywhere in France, who suddenly thinks, “Sacré bleu! I would like my bébé aborted!” will have an abortionist waiting nearby:

As well as promising to ensure the costs of abortion are fully covered, Hollande’s election manifesto included a pledge to ensure terminations were available at every major hospital across the country.

There is a reason why socialist manifestos make red-blooded Americans nervous: they usually include pure craziness like this.

This is what we’re headed toward, America, if the women who claim to speak for all of us (Eva Longoria, Sandra Fluke, Scarlett Johansson, et al.) have their way: free abortion on demand anywhere you want it, no matter the cost in dollars, lives, or the soul of the country. And if you disagree with this, you’re waging war on women.

I disagree with this, and I am a woman. What does that make me? According to cute actress turned angry fauxminist Janeane Garofalalflalalo, speaking to Keith Olbermann on MSNBC, women and “people of color” who identify as conservative have a form of Stockholm syndrome and are subconsciously seeking to “curry favor with the oppressors.”

You got me, Janeane: I am not really pro-life, pro-morality, and pro-education. I just want my mean white oppressors to like me.

I’m glad we were able to get to the bottom of my psyche today here on the Live Action blog. It’s too late for me, obviously, but I would encourage other women to do what early feminists fought for your right to do: make up your own mind, and vote your own conscience.

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